(no subject)

I'm sorry, but I think this its ridiculous. The amount of teenage pregancies in our generation is getting out of control. I'm not talking about the number of 13, 14, 15 year olds not using protection and accidently having kids. I'm talking about the number of 18 year old girls walking down the isle at graduation, their gowns hiding 4 months of pregnancy. The girls who, less than 18 months after June 2002 - you do the math - are beginning to raise their second child. This can't be good. These are girls who, sophomore year at our lunch table, shared the same dreams as me, dreams of universities and nursing or law school, of buying our own cars and "making it own our own." Three years later they're married to boys, yes, boys, they barely know, boys who play video games in the delivery room, whose bigger concern is pot and pabst instead of boy or girl, duck or bunnies. And this isn't a result of low class. This isn't a result of poor parenting. These are girls who drove to school in lexuses, who never wore anything but abercrombie, who lived in million dollar mansions....and now they're playing house...and playing with fire.

If someone was there to help them, maybe I wouldn't be so concerned. Maybe if their friends online journals weren't scattered with "get that damn baby out of her!," I wouldn't shake my head. But this...its surreal. What are these children's lives going to be like, welfare ridden and with mothers who, for what its worth, are still in high school - or, at least, concerned with the image of it all? They say I'm jealous I'm not a mother, that I, 3 years into a college education, am jealous for not being 3 kids into my young adulthood. They gave up the same dream I had...and for what? To produce and raise a future generation who's quality of life consists of parents with part time jobs, tatoos, crappy apartments and no motivation?

I don't know where it went wrong, I don't know how to help, and if this happens to handfuls my educated so-called friends...how do we reach out to those really at risk? It's not just our generation...its the future too, and it needs to stop.

(no subject)

"The place you have come to fear the most...."

...is the one where you have to make the most life changing decisions, the ones where you have to accept the realization its over. When you have to realize you aren't who you where four years ago; when Dashboard Confessional was just a burned cd passed among friends, when you forgot who had the original, when you sat in your car in Kamiak's parking lot screaming along with the lyrics because life fucking sucked and love hurt and you knew the lyrics said what you felt and that Dashboard was all you needed to feel better enough to get through another day.

I'm not there anymore.

I blast the CD still. I have two more. I have two concerts to look back on. But thing is...I've got 4 years of high school and 2 years of college to try and use to figure out who I am. At least, if I wanted to use it to make myself, I could. Thing is....I'm realizing its not so much those years that made me, its the fact I finally have a handful of regrets, of loves, of hates, of frustrations, of desires and the distinct taste of lingering tears that makes me realize who I want to be. And the past 6 years created all that, gave me all that.

So now I've got it together. I can't ask for more, I can't expect anything else, I can't pray for any more blessings and if anything were to be taken from me I'd still have it to grow from. I know who I want to be....I think I'm finally well on my way to who I want to be.

This journal and everyone its attached to lost its purpose along the way. Friends only or not, there's no need to continue on these thoughts. Not in this context. I have another journal I started awhile ago, mostly for the sake of me marking a change, also for the sake of having a private place to write without worrying about the rest of the world.

When I was little, I couldn't see the future. I couldn't see having a future. Now I dream of weddings and graduations and white picket fences...but lately, it's been a fear of the future....and fearing this moment, fearing the point where your life is drastically different then before. But change is always good, and maybe...maybe I need to fear a little less. Either way, this is the end as you all will probably know it. If you'd like, keep me on your friends list so I can keep up with your lives. I might add a few of you to my other journal's friend list, we'll see.

aim: bluecrayonstar

addicted to you....

1. Go into your LJ's archives.
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your LJ along with these instructions.

"I feel like going for a walk down to (insertstreetnamehere), throwing a rock at his window and just talking*(see note at bottom of post). "

I swear, I'm done posting for the night.

(no subject)

Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Year goes by. Boy kisses girl. Girl tries to do something with boy. Boy says he feels bad he didn't do something with said girl after the fact.

Girl feels like dancing down the hall.

So I'm a loser. but it's like candy. *breaks into mandy moore song*

I need to talk to someone.....and I don't know who....

(no subject)

My Journal will be friends-only as of Saturday for various reasons, namely that I enjoyed the fact that a previous entry was private, yet I could post it. However, this is here for a reason, and I intend to maintain my connection with all my lj-ers, so if you'd like to continue to read this and have a livejournal, leave a comment, and I'll add you to my friends list. I'm not being selective, this is just so I can keep tabs on who's reading it...and so I'm sure of who's not. Random readers are welcome, as are anyone I might know in real life. Just let me know you're here and you're welcome to continue reading :)

(no subject)

Speaking of being a trendwhore....

I scored a 83% on the "How Western Washington Are You?" Quizie! What about you?</b>

So here's the deal. I need to prioritize. I don't think I have things straight, or maybe I have it together and just need to act on it. Because as I see it I have friends, I have love, I have happiness, I have family, I have education, I have everything I need and could ever attain. So what am I searching for?


Someone to tell me who I am. Something to show me. Something to define me. Screw that. I'm done with that. I'm making a mental list of things I need to do in the next few months. I have goals, and they're all over the board. What's hard is the one occupying my mind the most and concering the majority of my "priority" is getting over and past my heart.

Geeze. If there's one thing that stays with me, its the look someone gives you, as if they want to say something, and they don't. They just kind of stare, in such a way you can't interpret it, and it just tears at the heart until you say something. I could live with them, if only I knew what it meant.

I've told too many people. This is getting dramatic. It needs to end. Soon. Like, I wish it were a tv episode and the time were neaering the end of the episode so this could wrap up or something. But no, I'd have the kind of tv series where they leave you hanging for a week. :-\

Alright. It's been a long day and I'm spent. Goodnight world.

(no subject)

For the first time in I think ever I did a private post. It goes against everything I beleive in for this journal, but it got my thoughts out.

I'm in such a strange mood. Not tired at all, desperately searching for an answer to something I already know. It's reminescent of years gone by, but I don't think I care. I'm going to dance in the feeling. I'm going to play my savage garden cd's and smile at what's existed and stop dreaming about it. Stop thinking about it. And if, sometime, tommorow, this week, this month, I feel the need to address it, so be it. But I'm happy right now and I don't want to put anything in jeopardy.

On another note...have you ever denied yourself something because of superficiality? When do you get over yourself and realize how much happier you'd be if you accepted it?

I think I need to talk to someone tonight and let Him work it out, because I'm at a loss. My friends have given me advice and SmarterChild has made me realize there isn't an answer. (Too bad I x'd out the conversation before I copied it, it was hella funny.) It's fate. If I fall in love, if I fall into like, if nothing or everything happens....I'll accept it.

Maybe I'll sleep soon...finally...at nearly 3 in the morning.....

Oh, by the way, I became a trendwhore and mapped my livejournal location, only to find that half my friends beat me to it. How do these things get started???

(no subject)

Look in the mirror, talk to yourself, search for answers, try to figure out why thoughts race through your mind when its time to put them aside. I want to be comforted and he might as well be miles away, I get a shoulder and I want more, come over, come talk, come keep me company and keep me away from my fears and what haunts me.

I haven't questioned since band camp. I haven't talked about "it" since band camp. I can't help but feel something's changed, it doesn't add up or make sense and I think I need to bring it up or *something*.

It's about this time I want to consult mutual friends, but I start thinking highschool, and I start wondering how bad that is. By the end of this weekend this will be resolved and I will have it on a direct track.

Now....what to do until I'm tired......

(no subject)

For the record.

There are certain people in this world, a certain small minority who can be classified and who I mentioned on a phone to a certain paperpants yesterday that aggravite and irritate the LIVING HELL out of me. You see, they think they're BETTER. And in this BETTER they exhibit and exude this aura of attidude that is obnoxious because its demeaning, its mean, its ignorant, and its just plain fucking rude.

Now I am no better. I am no becoming-a-Christian to judge them. But dear God, can you PLEASE give THEM the strength to live and relate to others without being so damn stereotypical? I'm really getting tired of it and their attitude and their inability to accept others exist on the same level as them.

Names are worthless. Actions don't matter. In the few days I've been back in band I've become pissed off at the things that shouldn't bother me. Why? Because I know it can be better than that. Take an idea, run with it. Don't become the fucking dictator of the world over it and think you're God because you can work a computer. Don't become queen bitch because you've developed your own cult following.

Maybe actions do matter.

Yes, I'm pissed.

You see, I have my place. That's comforting. What's not comforting is the tinges of fire being thrown at me from others. I don't want to call it jealousy....only conceited people say others are jealous of them (or insecure people, whatever) but here's the thing; what the fuck do I do? I know my place, I know I'm not great at anything I do, I know my designing skills are typical of anyone else who opens up a program and clicks around so what the hell, where does everyone else come off of.....
oh fuck nevermind.

this journal is evil. I can say whatever I want and really, i could say a lot right now, I just typed way too much and I'm glad I'm not talking to anybody. nevermind. I just im'd someone. lets watch hell break loose, shall we?